It’s taken me almost 3 years to morn the loss of my previous yoga practice. I will always look back on my years of freedom fondly. If I’m totally being honest, I’m working on not letting feelings of jealousy creep in when I see teachers without children going to workshops and trainings or practicing so often. I realized I was so attached to how my practice used to be, that it was holding me back.
I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that that it’s ok that I’m lucky if I get to one class every other week and how certain poses that I used to hold dear to my heart no longer feel good in my body. I was being stubborn, as if it should be all or nothing.
So, I’ve been rolling my mat out at home more often. Ryder always joins in, and today he is the one that asked me to roll my mat out, it was an enthusiastic yes!!
I’ve honestly come to love when he climbs all over my body while I move, it challenges my stability and patience in a way that keeps me really present. Down dog, planks, and lunge’s are our favorite. When I’m trying to balance in half moon pose I ask him to try to pull my top leg down. He loves to dangle from the back of my shoulders while I move in and out of squats, we count them together. We sing songs about reaching for the stars and touching earth as we stretch. He reminds me not to take myself or my practice too seriously. Today he even personally requested tree pose and an OM. Ryder’s desire to practice and learning the names of the poses is better than any training I could ever invest in. This is so much more meaningful to me. So what if my practice is not what it used to be, letting go of my need to practice a certain way has been such a gift that I now get to share with him. ✨
Baby moon in Ojai
All the feels come back to me when I look back at this sweet special time spent on a yoga retreat in Ojai when I was 9 months pregnant. I was there exactly a year ago.
I vividly remember one of my meditations during our yoga nidra session. As Bekah was leading us through the guided meditation into some deep chakra work, I was finding it challenging to concentrate because Ryder had the hiccups and was kicking me. I had to work incredibly hard to not get distracted so I could surrender into the subtle body work of the meditation. I clearly remember having a giggle at this pulsation of being focused on myself yet being 100% aware of his existence. At 9 months pregnant, it was practice for what was to come. At that point, without even being a mother yet, I was well aware how common it is for mothers to get wrapped up in their children's lives. So much so, that there is a tendency to lose oneself. In that moment I vowed to never lose sight of my goals or self care practice.
These contemplations continue to come up in all I do. It is not easy. It is a dance, choreographed in his realm during the day, and in my realm at night. When his lights go out, it is time for mine to go on.
Personal growth and professional development are priorities for me, here is what that may look like on any given night. I listen to podcasts while I edit photos from recent photoshoots, I put time into the yoga teacher training I'm currently doing with Jason Crandall, or I tap into my creative side and make things for my etsy site Rex & Ry. I always have some kind of project going on. A portion of my alone time is dedicated towards self care, it just feels nice to do something simple for myself. It usually comes in the form of practicing yoga, however most nights my husband doesn't get home early enough for that, in which case I light a candle, burn some palo santo, and pull a few cards from my tarot deck with a mini meditation on the cards and a little journaling. A face mask goes a long way in making me feel refreshed. I'm obsessed with all of Lush's products. And, on some nights the first thing I do when his lights go out is head to the fridge, crack open an IPA, and sit my ass on the couch and watch TV. I'm not perfect.
Here I am, one year later, recommitting to the vow I made to myself. Staying driven and present in working towards my personal endeavors.
